Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
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My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”