never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
the answer was staring at me all along
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.