If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
You Might Also Like
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Wait a second…
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.