Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
😂 amazing answer
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.