40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.