her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.