day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My blood type is coffee.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.