So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
FRED: right
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.