Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
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Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No