I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
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I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
excuse me
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead