When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
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If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend鈥檚 selfie.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I was having a drink of coffee and didn鈥檛 see the pothole in the road, so that鈥檚 on me.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son鈥檚 friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
god鈥檚 mom: clean your room or i鈥檓 throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they鈥檙e not toys. they鈥檙e dinosaurs!
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
馃幍 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…馃幍-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Canada鈥檚 Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever鈥檚 responsible is in some hot water.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…