I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.