When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?