People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice