modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
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Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Ape together strong
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever