boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?