Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.