how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*