Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice