You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
You Might Also Like
me adding lol on a serious message
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Rambo Rambow
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both