[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?