It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.