I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it