People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
May have had one breakfast too many
(True)
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.