Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?