8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
🤣🤣🤣
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?