I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Think I pulled my liver
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime