imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET