[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.