Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
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I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Your secret is safeish with me
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.