“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money