Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
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German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena