A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Happy Febuary everyone!
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
What number SPF blocks people?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.