you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Dishonest mechanic?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.