My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
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[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
bout dat hot dog summer
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.