Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
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Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
October already? What’s next? November????