More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
You Might Also Like
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…