Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.