I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
cyclists
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night