“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon