Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!