A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
You Might Also Like
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.