My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
You Might Also Like
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”