Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
See..?
.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.