I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
But wait…
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.