Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?