It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
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My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Baller is short for ballerina
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.