Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use