I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
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COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My first child will be named New Folder.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed