I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.